BDSM Beginners Guide

BDSM Beginners Guide

What is BDSM?

It is a four-lettered acronym that stands for Bondage, Domination, Sadism, and lastly, Masochism. It involves a wide variety of practices that are composed of these elements.

Bondage: this is a practice of binding, consensual tying, or restraining your partner. It may be carried out with rope or cuffs.

Discipline: This is where the dominant partner sets the rules for the submissive. The submissive partner is expected to follow and obey.

In Submission and Dominance, there is a Dominant as well as a submissive. The Dominant gets to enjoy all forms of control over their submissive partner.

Sadism & Masochism is about receiving and giving pleasure using humiliation or pain. A sadist is the one inflicting pain, while a masochist is the one who is on the receiving end.

Why people get into BDSM

Research has sh, own that there is no sought link between BDSM and childhood abuse. It is a sexual attraction like any other. There are a good number of reasons as to why some people might enjoy engaging in BDSM.

Safety first

BDSM should be practiced only by consenting legally mature people. If it is not out of consent, then that is abuse and domestic violence. BDSM is fun and great to engage in if it is your thing, but not limited to risks.

It can result in emotional and physical damages if proper precautions are not taken into consideration. can be done if you do not take the proper precautions.

Being sane, safe and consensual may not be enough, though. Before starting a scene, you have to agree on safewords. A safeword will get to be used if it gets too far.

You can agree on random words, like ‘fingernail,’ to end a scene with your partner. Have a discussion together and get to choose things you both feel comfortable in.


Just like in a healthy relationship, communication is key to having a good BDSM relationship. One should discuss their fantasies, desires, dislikes, and what they like. One as well needs to know their partner's limits and breaking points. Before every scene, get to have a discussion of things you will have together. Once guidelines are set out, do not add other new elements in the scenes.

Practice Will Make Things Perfect

It may sound a little bit weird his may feel a little weird at first, but think about it this way: better to feel weird now instead of feeling weird once you try this with a partner. So, by all means, take that flogger and start hitting cushions. Try it on your leg or ass. It’s good to know how it feels for yourself. Pick up your rope and start binding your legs together. It’s good practice to test your gear before using it in a scene with a play partner.

Some ideas to start with Spanking. If you like the idea of giving or receiving a spanking, here’s some advice to get started.

Some areas of the body are better suited for receiving impact than others. As a beginner, spots to avoid at all costs are the belly area, which has lots of unprotected organs, and the head and neck.The buttocks are very fleshy and thus an excellent choice to start with.

Place your submissive over your knees while you’re sitting on a couch. If needed, you can use a pillow or two to make her/him comfortable. Now gently slap your submissive on the butt using nothing but your hand. After each slap, let your submissive give it a number between 1 and 10. One being the least painful, and ten being way too painful. Wait for the number after every hit. You now have a direct feedback mechanism, and your sub can decide on the pace. I found it to be instrumental in getting to know your sub’s pain tolerance. It’s best to start slowly and build up the spanking strength gradually. This way, your sub will be able to endure much more and perhaps even get a little endorphin rush at some point.

Once you’ve built up, try to vary the strength of your slaps, from very weak to maybe a little on the edge of what’s bearable. Also, play with the spot where you hit your submissive. Notice how hitting the same spot multiple times will increase the painfulness, while varying the spot will make it much more bearable. Finally, you can try to alternate between gentle stroking and slapping and see how your sub likes that.


The simplest way to start with bondage is using a blindfold. By removing your submissive’s sight, his/her other senses will be sharpened. You can use essential items for a blindfold: a scarf, a small towel, or a night mask. Once blindfolded, you’re responsible for your sub: make sure he/she does not get hurt while walking around. Better: don’t let your sub walk around.

When blindfolded, you can introduce all kinds of sensations; here are a few you can try:

Soft stroking with your fingers using ice, pulling a small piece of rope along the body, lightly tickling the skin using a feather...If you want to take it a bit further, you can use rope or some toy handcuffs to restrain your partner. If you’re going to play with rope, I strongly suggest googling for a couple of essential rope bondage ties, like the single-column tie and the two-column tie. Practice these ties before the scene. Nothing kills the mood more than endless fiddling with rope.

Dominance and submission

Here are some ideas to get you started with dominance and submission: Make your partner crawl for you, Use your partner as a table or a foot bench (objectification), Make your sub remember all kinds of positions you like, Tell him/her exactly how to pleasure you, Make your sub wear a collar, use a leash to walk your sub around.

If your sub is a female, make her rub herself on your leg or knee until she comes. Enjoy the show. For added sadistic effect: deny her orgasm right before she comes. Let your sub prepare dinner for you naked, of course. Try edging your partner. Throw in some hair pulling, but do it carefully - make sure you grab a handful of hair, which shouldn’t hurt too much.

Tools and toys

You don’t have to buy that fancy red ball gag or that expensive leather flogger. There is so much you and your partner can do without spending a dime. I strongly recommend you not to buy anything when you are just beginning. Start simple. Want to try spanking? Use your hands. It’s much more intimate, and you’ll be able to feel the force of the impact yourself too. Want to restrain your partner? Perhaps you have some toy handcuffs lying around. You could also use a belt or some rope from the garage. You don’t need fancy-looking hemp rope, at least not when you’re just starting.

You get the idea. Once it turns out you and your partner enjoy BDSM, not just the idea of it, you can start buying stuff and exploring all kinds of play. Do not buy cheap stuff from China. I’ve had ball gags with fishy smells, leather floggers that weren’t leather, etcetera. Spend a little more on the handmade stuff from sites like Etsy.


Once your play is over, you’re not entirely done yet. There’s an essential part of BDSM called aftercare. It serves multiple purposes:

  • bringing each other back to reality
  • re-establishing the typical, loving roles, you would typically assume
  • giving attention to physical and emotional needs
  • learning from each other: what worked, what was enjoyable, what should we do differently or stop doing entirely?

In BDSM, it’s common to have spikes of adrenaline and endorphins, also called natural highs. It’s one of the things that make BDSM attractive and has the consequence of a “drop” sometimes. Drop is a feeling that can start right after a scene or many hours later. It can manifest itself in all kinds of ways and can differ in intensity from person to person. Some symptoms to look out for: feeling down, feeling worthless, having little to no energy, and crying.

Take care of each other, comfort each other if needed. Talk about it! In my experience, it helps to know the physical cause for these feelings.

In conclusion... to re-iterate some of the key points:

  • agree on a safeword
  • start small and prepare and practice beforehand if needed
  • communicate with each other all the way
  • don’t forget aftercare
  • Don’t take it too seriously - enjoy yourself!

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